Notes on Narcissism
In the age of Trump, perspectives on narcissism are all over the place. Some are helpful, many are not.
In service to our collective sanity through this time, I offer what I’ve learned through the grit and challenge of navigating narcissism on a personal level.
While I feel nervous to share this, it’s important. The wounds from narcissistic entanglements can run deep.
Admittedly, just pointing to this topic stirs fear in me of poking beasts I’d rather not antagonize.
I share on behalf of our collective journey toward greater wholeness. We are swimming in the waves and reverberations of narcissism.
By connecting with the ground beneath us, it’s possible to stop spinning, and rather root ourselves and grow.
Reading time: 6-8 Minutes
I have learned and explored more than I’d like to admit about narcissism.
My motivation began from a desire to engage with it more effectively, but even more from a move towards self-protection.
Through it all, I've found the intersection of two resources to be particularly helpful and clarifying.
The New Science of Narcissism: Understanding One of the Greatest Psychological Challenges of Our Time and What You Can Do About It—by W. Keith Campbell and Carolyn Crist
Exploring narcissistic traits through the Big Five Personality Traits model can be particularly insightful—not for the purpose of diagnosing anyone with narcissistic personality disorder, but to better understand ourselves and how to interact with people exhibiting narcissistic qualities.
The "Big Five" personality traits, also known as the Five-Factor Model (FFM), is a widely accepted framework in psychology for understanding human personality.
It categorizes personality into five broad dimensions, each representing a range of characteristics or behaviors. These traits are considered stable over time and across different situations, making them a useful tool for assessing personality.
People with low Agreeableness (high antagonism) are most likely to exhibit narcissistic qualities.
The Big Five Personality Traits (Five-Factor Model):
Openness to Experience:
High: Imaginative, curious, open to new experiences, creative, and willing to entertain novel ideas.
Low: Practical, routine-oriented, prefer familiarity, and more resistant to change.
Conscientiousness:
High: Organized, reliable, disciplined, goal-oriented, and mindful of details.
Low: Impulsive, disorganized, careless, less focused on goals.
Extraversion:
High: Outgoing, sociable, talkative, energetic, and assertive.
Low: Reserved, introverted, prefers solitude, and less socially active.
Agreeableness:
High: Compassionate, cooperative, trusting, and good-natured.
Low: Competitive, critical, less empathetic, and more skeptical of others, antagonistic.
Neuroticism:
High: Prone to anxiety, emotional instability, moodiness, and stress.
Low: Emotionally stable, calm, relaxed, and less prone to negative emotions.
Grandiose narcissists typically score high in Extraversion and low in Agreeableness, while vulnerable narcissists are low in Extraversion, high in Neuroticism, and low in Agreeableness.
Grandiose, vulnerable, and mixed narcissists all share a sense of entitlement and superiority, though these traits manifest differently depending on other personality dimensions.
Paying attention to where someone falls on the Agreeableness spectrum has been incredibly clarifying for me.
We can each grow in our capacity for genuine compassion and agreeableness—and in these times are being challenged to. When a person is in a contracted or traumatized state, they may experience temporary or significant shifts in any of the Big Five traits.
Compassion during such times is essential—but this is also when a difficult entanglement with narcissism can begin, over-extending grace for behaviors that actually stem from a persistent trait, not a temporary state.
Regarding traits that are more persistent, people can change and grow—but only when genuinely motivated to. Increasing Openness, Conscientiousness, Agreeableness, or one’s capacity for Extraversion, or reducing Neuroticism, requires real work and effort.
People with persistently low Agreeableness (high antagonism) do not frequently demonstrate a desire to change this trait. This is key! Often, it's those around them who hope that with different treatment or conditions, the person will develop a desire to change or transform their agreeableness through compassion. But from their own perspective, low agreeableness works just fine for them and their purposes!
Instead of placing ourselves in a position of hoping or needing someone to change, we can better prepare ourselves by interacting with them as they are, not as we wish them to be.
It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People
—by Dr. Ramani Durvasula
A clinical psychologist and expert on narcissism, Dr. Ramani Durvasula defines narcissism as a personality style characterized by traits such as entitlement, lack of empathy, and an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
Dr. Durvasula also highlights that while narcissism can be destructive in relationships, not every narcissistic trait leads to harmful behavior, and understanding the context and severity of these traits is crucial for navigating relationships with narcissistic individuals.
Suggestions from Dr. Durvasula:
Set Clear Boundaries: People with narcissistic qualities tend to push limits. Be clear about what you need, what you are willing to do, and what you won’t tolerate.
Manage Your Expectations: Accept that they are unlikely to change or become more empathetic.
Avoid Drama: People with narcissist qualities tend to thrive on drama. Keep interactions as neutral as possible.
Prioritize Self-Care: Engaging with narcissistic individuals can be draining. Take care of your mental and emotional health.
Limit Contact: If possible, distance yourself. The less you engage, the less control they can assert over you.
Don’t Take It Personally: Their behavior isn’t about you; it reflects their own challenges.
Seek Support: Dealing with people with narcissist qualities can be overwhelming. Seek guidance from friends, family, or a therapist.
Evaluate whether the energy and effort required to maintain this relationship is worth the impact on your energy and well-being.
It may be, especially if it’s an important relationship, such as with a child, parent, or sibling. If not, consider if you're ready and willing to step away.
Personal Reflections:
When interacting with another—whether short or long term—if you can empathize with their experience and genuinely reflect on your own behavior for growth, yet the other person is unwilling or unable to empathize with you, your experience, or perspective, unable to confront themselves for growth, or to recognize their contributions to any difficult dynamic, this is ground you can root in: in this case, "it’s not you, it’s them."
Honor your own experience. Trust what you are seeing and experiencing. Recognize that the confusion or disorientation you feel when engaging with a person who is exhibiting narcissistic qualities [low Agreeableness/high antagonism] is simply part of the dynamic.
When your gut tightens, listen to it—your body can be remarkably helpful with indicating when something is off. In response to another’s sense of entitlement, superiority, and need to be "right", disorientation and a clenched gut make a ton of sense! Don’t talk yourself out of what you’re experiencing.
In these interactions, dialogue isn’t genuinely available, rather this is a process of attempting to convert you to their reality. Understand that this experience is not personal to you; it’s part of a broader behavioral pattern. “I’m right, you’re wrong.” Defend, deflect, diminish.
Their "one right perspective" can also extend to their views about you, overriding verifiable facts, others' observations about you, consistent patterns of disconfirming behavior, and your own sense of yourself. If there’s an escalation, they may reach to gain power by enrolling others to comply with their view on you.
As hard as it can be, actively choose not to take on their projections about you. It can be painful, confusing, enraging, and hard to remember what is up or down, but: you do know who you are, you do know what you care about, you do know what you mean. Don’t swallow the projection-poison.
Resist getting pulled into their public story about you. Instead, root yourself in your own dignity and self-knowledge. There’s a saying I both appreciate and dislike: “What people say about you behind your back is none of your business.” We can’t control how others perceive or talk about us, and focusing too much on their opinions can be draining and harmful. But it’s also important to acknowledge that such experiences do impact you personally. Making room for our own self-compassion for the pain of it all is essential.
The challenge—and the invitation for growth—is to not participate in the drama. People with persistent narcissistic qualities tend to live in the "Drama Triangle," where they are the victim/hero, and others are either their rescuer or persecutor. You are with them or against them. The only way to stay on their good side is by participating in the role of rescuer. The moment you stop fulfilling the rescuer role, you become the persecutor, perceived as a new threat who needs to be protected from and possible taken out. No longer with them, you must be against them.
Instead, consciously choose neither rescuer nor persecutor. Root yourself in another way of being. An alternative to the Drama Triangle is the brilliant work expressed through "The Empowerment Dynamic"® (TED*), where instead of victim/hero, the role is creator; instead of a rescuer, coach; and instead of a persecutor, challenge or challenger. In doing so, you honor your own dignity and the dignity of others, embracing complexity and capacity for growth.
Root yourself in your own wholeness, and thereby in their wholeness. Root yourself in your own humanity, complexity, growth, potential—and thereby in theirs. Instead of being a victim to their narcissism, you show up as the ‘creator’ in your own process of navigating this highly challenging dynamic.
Their behavior presents a challenge for you to grow in response to and in relationship with. It sucks, it hurts, it’s unjust, and unfair, but it’s ‘what is’ for the time being. Seek support from others in a coaching energy—not as your rescuers, but as collaborators who help you stay connected with your own dignity and sovereignty.
Be clear and have boundaries. Be strategic in your actions, and resist biting the hook. By not participating in their drama cycle, you also act in their best interest, calling them to the task of growing up, and creating conditions of greater health for yourself and everyone involved.
Bringing it together:
What I’ve learned is that navigating narcissism can be terrifying, disorienting, overwhelming, tricky, exhausting, and painful work.
It can get intensely personal, and yet the key is to not take it personally.
It’s less about "fighting narcissists" and more about seeing and understanding narcissism itself—saying no to narcissism. Fiercely.
It means challenging it, standing against its impacts, encouraging ourselves and others to heal and grow beyond such destructive ways of being, while establishing boundaries that hold humanity—your own, and the others’ better selves.
Though it may be tempting to ‘spiritually bypass’, to accept the unacceptable in a false expression of forgiveness or understanding, it’s not about enduring or compliantly empathizing, letting people off the hook when behaviors are egregious.
Each of us is capable of doing hard things.
We can uphold our own and others’ dignity while opposing damaging and oppressive beliefs, actions, systems, structures, and socialization.
We can differentiate a person’s value from their behaviors, standing firmly against harmful actions while staying connected with their humanity.
We can interact with people as they are, letting go of the need to change them, while standing for and on behalf of wholeness, ours and theirs.
We can self-reflect and lean into our own growth edges, maintaining our own humanity while acknowledging our mistakes, owning the impact of our actions when they don’t align with how we want to show up—which will likely happen when we’re navigating narcissism. It’s hard not to get hooked.
As we do all of this, our sense of self-trust and self-respect deepens and expands, laying the foundation for greater resilience.
Guiding us, step by step, beyond the relentless entanglements, noise, chaos, and pain of narcissistic cycles.
